A couple weeks ago, as I was looking through old documents on my computer, I came across a story I had written about my brother a year after he passed on. I still don’t remember writing it. I must have remembered this memory and written it down so that I wouldn’t forget it. Well, I’m thanking Lauren from 7 years ago. It was like a small gift from my brother to come across this sweet memory of him.

My brother’s full name was Adam Sturgis Kelly. Our family always called him “Sturg” or “Sturgie.” Today is his birthday, and if he were still here, he would have been 42. In honor of this, I’m sharing the story I wrote 7 years ago. The story took place when I was in high school. My parents were taking an anniversary trip to California, and I took care of him for the week they were gone. I’m glad I did, because it allowed me to have an extended period of time with him all to myself.

Enjoy!

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Although I knew it was a chilly day out, it seemed like a walk was just the thing we both needed. Sturg had been giggling mischievously and I didn’t want him to act on whatever brilliant idea he was cooking up in his head.

I poked my head into the living room. “Hey Sturg, would you like to go for a walk?”

He dissolved into giggles as he bent the top half of his body onto his legs which were resting in the shape of a diamond up on the couch. He’s the only person I know who can touch both feet to his chest at the same time.

I was slightly annoyed that he was likely still scheming, and probably something that involved pushing my buttons, but I just smiled and said, “Is that a yes?”

Sturg whipped his head up at me, his fierce green eyes twinkling from his spot on the couch, as he whispered, “Ta…ta!” He let the noise weigh his head back which made him look like he was telling a sarcastic joke.

“Okay, Buster Brown. I’ll go get your shoes.” I ruffled his soft, straight hair.

After wrestling Sturg into socks, shoes, mittens, and a down coat, and throwing on my own coat and scarf, we headed out into the cold, winter air.

I closed the garage door behind us using the code, grabbed his little mittened hand, and as the cold temperature suddenly became more real, I decided this would likely be a short walk. Nonetheless, it felt good to be out in the fresh air together.

It was sort of quiet. All we could hear were the sounds of the wind in the brown trees above us and our feet hitting the pavement below us – though Sturg’s feet were much louder than mine.

Our pace was slow and steady, which was appropriate since that’s how Sturg approached everything. Well, maybe not when there were French fries in front of him, but almost everything else.

We hit the curve of the drive, and I was amazed at how fast we had gotten to the middle of our long street. I wondered if Sturg wanted to go venture farther than our road.

As we got close to the stop sign, Sturg seemed to read my mind. Sturg whipped my whole body in the opposite direction in one swift motion. It surprised me so much, I couldn’t help but giggle. Sturg giggled at my giggle.

The golden sun set fast behind us making the branches of the trees above stretch before us like long, black fingers on the street in front of us.

As we hit the bend of the street faster than we did on the way out, I could feel Sturg’s excitement in the whipping wind that pushed us along. I thought about how sweet and small he was and how his small, mittened hand fit inside mine so nicely.

I took a beat and wondered how he was thinking about that moment. I knew he was happy, but what was he thinking about? Was he still scheming against me, or had he forgotten about it now that I was giving him my full attention?

I wondered if he knew how much I was enjoying his company and if he loved mine just as much. I told myself, “of course he does.” I knew he wouldn’t let me hold his hand if he weren’t loving his time spent with me.

I felt him giggling again – this time he was giggling with glee at the excitement of the wind that was whipping our hair around. You could see it more distinctly in my long hair, but I knew he could feel it in his sweet, boyish haircut.

As I turned to look at him again, I felt a big burst in my chest from seeing the glee on his face and it let me know just how much I love this sweet brother of mine. As we rolled back toward the house slightly faster to get out of the cold, I let the moment take over.

“There’s a couple billion people in the world and a million other places we could be, but you’re here with me. Take a moment just to take it in. Every high and every low led to this. I’m just so glad you exist.” – Dan + Shay

During my junior year of college, I took one of my favorite classes of all time taught by one of my favorite professors. Although I was not a religion major, I needed a religion credit, and when my advisor described the teacher and said, “If he could teach the whole world, he would,” I was instantly hooked. I began a class called “Wisdom of Israel,” which focused on the “wisdom” books of the Bible: Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Song of Solomon, and Ecclesiastes. When the time came for the final project, I chose to do research on marriage. I took a quote from Proverbs, “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all,” and I interviewed 10 happily married couples asking them to elaborate on the quote and its relevance to their spouse. There was a whole interview of questions, but it ended with that one. I got some wonderful responses.

As luck would have it, I completed the project 3 months before I began dating a man I married a year and a half later. Now, if you have read any of my blogs, you already know that I ended up divorced. For a while, I was devastated that I added to the growing percentage of failed marriages. I remember watching “Definitely, Maybe,” and it opens with Ryan Reynolds saying, “I don’t think anyone ever imagines on their wedding day they’ll be part of the 46% that doesn’t live happily ever after.”

Yup. So true.

For a long time, I wondered how I had gotten it so incredibly wrong. Before long, I got into another relationship. Determined to help myself, my boyfriend, and those that read my blog, I decided to do some real live research.

Now, if you know me or my parents, you know I grew up with happily married parents. They just celebrated the 50^th anniversary of their first date last week. So, why didn’t I just follow their lead? Why couldn’t I get my act together and just follow what I had grown up with?

I needed to broaden my search and not just copy what I had grown up with. So, I interviewed over 40 married couples. I interviewed everyone from a couple that was freshly engaged to a couple who has been married for over 60 years (and everyone in between). The interview wasn’t long, but every couple had to answer the following question:

Besides love, what is the most important quality for a good, lasting, and happy marriage?

With the results, I compiled a list of every quality mentioned and decided to share my findings with the world. After all, a good marriage can change the world. I’m not being dramatic here. My mom always said, “Marriage will either be the best or worst thing you ever do,” and she’s right. Because it’s every day, it takes over your life. If you choose well, it enriches your life and makes you and your partner better people for each other and the world around you. Plus, if you add kids to the mix, they grow up knowing what a healthy relationship looks like.

Now to the good stuff. I took everyone’s answers and narrowed it down to the core. Some couples sent back one worded answers, and some sent me back 3 pages. If you’re only interested in the list without the explanations, here you go (in no particular order):

• Appreciation
• Humor
• Tolerance
• Friendship
• Compromise
• Communication
• Common Goals
• Respect
• Selflessness
• Trust
• Intimacy
• Commitment
• Contentment
• Time
• Active Listening
• Teamwork
• Kindness

Appreciation

Some of these answers will be a bit obvious, and obviously, it’s important to appreciate your partner. It’s also important to show it or at least say it. What you do for each other is something that helps buoy your relationship. Make sure you’re grateful for what you do for each other.

Humor

“Not getting upset at inconveniences, but being able to see the good and humorous side of things is important.” Humor often dispels hard times when used appropriately. “If you are able to laugh at yourself or your partner, it helps lighten the mood.” By the way, humor was the #1 male answer.

Tolerance

This one often makes some people cringe because it sort of sounds like settling for less than your partner’s best. However, it’s so important to be patient and accept your spouse for who he or she is. Not an ideal you’ve built in your mind. You aren’t marrying someone who is going to fill a role for you, you’re marrying an individual. As one participant said, “You need to recognize that pursuing a mutually beneficial life is more rewarding and fulfilling than persuing your own personal ideals.”

Friendship

“The desirable qualities in a marriage, including common interests and activities, common values, trust, communication, wanting the best for the other person, affection, laughter, endurance, enjoying each other’s company, commitment…all fall under the category of friendship.” Perhaps it sounds cliché to talk about marrying your best friend, but when the romance fails, the groundwork of your friendship can lift your love for your spouse and ultimately save whatever the issue is. Plus, marrying your best friend also guarantees that underneath it all, you like each other.

Compromise

“We work through things no matter how long it takes – each having their say and trying to help the other understand the position, whatever that may be. We don’t always agree at the end, and we are careful never to say anything hurtful or mean on purpose when making our points, but finding the end to the discussion is important. Discussing and finding common ground before going to bed means we aren’t dwelling on things overnight and there aren’t grudges because something was left unsaid or unresolved.” Unless you marry someone who is exactly like you, you’re not going to agree on absolutely everything. There has to be give and take. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and give what the other person wants, and sometimes your partner will. Regardless, it shouldn’t always be one person giving and one taking.

Communication

“It is vital that we are constantly communicating. Whether it’s verbally or physically, talking about our day or our emotions. The way [we] communicate so effectively and openly is invaluable.” Communication was actually the #1 answer. Almost every couple said something about it. And why? You should be able to talk to your partner about anything. The ability to open up and share what you’re feeling and to be understood makes a happy, healthy relationship.

Common Goals

As previously stated, you don’t need to marry yourself, but your big goals should line up. If you’re a dating person, make sure you talk about the important stuff before you make the big commitment to one another. Do you want children? How do you agree religiously? Do you agree on politics? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? How do you want to live? Do you want to travel? What is most important to you? You see my point.

Respect

Do you constantly roll your eyes at your partner? Not to sound preachy, but be careful of that one. Respect is paramount. It’s part of the key groundwork that dictates how you’ll treat your partner and how your partner treats you. If you respect the other person, you’ll always talk nicely and lovingly.

Selflessness

“The most important quality is being selfless/putting the needs and wants of the other person before your own. Being willing to do something nice for the other person just because and not expecting anything in return. Not that you’re not taking care of yourself, but being willing to go that extra mile. If you’re both doing that for each other, neither of you should feel unloved or wanting in the relationship because you’re both putting the other person first.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Trust

“You have to be able to trust the person you are with, but you also have to trust that they are being honest with you. Both partners also have to be honest with themselves and with each other for this to work.” Can you imagine a relationship without trust? Once it’s established (and it should be from the beginning), I can say from experience that once it’s broken, it’s incredibly challenging to ever get it fully back.

Intimacy

Um, Lauren…you’re not seriously going to talk about sex on the internet…are you?

Oh yes, I am. Sex is not the only important part of intimacy, and I’m not saying you need to be doing it like bunnies, but you should enjoy being intimate with your partner. I got a lot of really personal answers to this one, so I’m not going to repeat any of the answers. There are times in life when one or both of you may not be able to have sex. There’s a variety of reasons that I won’t go into. Other than those, you should be doing it on a regular basis. It’s up to you and your partner to decide what’s best for you. Besides sex, being intimate can just involve knowing things about each other that no one else knows and keeping that trust. Sometimes, it’s just holding hands. Or writing a love note…or making out like teenagers…etc.

Commitment

“The most important thing to keep a marriage happy and lasting is the ability and desire by both parties to fulfill the vows taken at the wedding ceremony…The promises and agreements made to one another are, in fact, the only things that differentiate a marriage from a relationship between two non-married people.” Don’t forget those vows. There’s a reason we make them. Not only committing to your partner, but staying committed make your marriage.

Contentment

You can’t necessarily rely on your partner for happiness. There are times when you will lean on each other, but you should be able to feel happy on your own. Find a way to cultivate it. Growing up with my brother taught me how to keep that inner fountain of happiness going. You need to be a whole and complete person to give your whole self to someone else.

Time

Sometimes, just making time for your partner can mean so much. Establishing a date night can help with this one if you’re struggling with it. I can tell you that even in a long-distance relationship, we still have date night. We’ll put each other on FaceTime, pick out a Netflix movie and keep FaceTime rolling while we watch it. Without making time for your partner, one or both of you can end up feeling forgotten and neglected. Date night can become exceedingly more important when you throw children into the mix. Yes, they are wonderful, but parenting can be soul-sucking if you don’t make time for yourself and your partner. Establish a date night at least once a month where you can sit, talk, and connect without distractions.

Active Listening

“What is key is humbly listening to what your partner has to say, honing in on what feelings might be there (if not verbalized), and then lovingly communicating what you understand, and what you both can do/change if needed, moving forward.” Make sure you’re listening when your partner is talking. Especially if you’re having an argument, don’t plan what you’re going to say next. Sit and listen and try to see the other person’s perspective. Also, if your partner likes to talk, they want to be heard. Don’t tune out. Listening and responding well is key.

Teamwork

“It needs to be an equal partnership, so that sometimes you lean on your spouse; sometimes your spouse leans on you.” Once you get married, you become a team. A two-person team. I watched my parents be an awesome team growing up, and because of it, I had a wonderful childhood. This isn’t the 1800s. You should be equals. Share the responsibilities and the responsibility to take care of your relationship and nurture it. You don’t get to a point where you are done making your relationship work, you have to work on it every single day. If you work as a team, everything is a two-way street and you’ll feel more fulfilled.

Kindness

I once had a friend who said that in his household growing up, if someone was in an argument and you had to decide between being kind and being right, it was a rule to choose kindness. In the same way, when you get into an argument, be fair and willing to give up being right for the sake of your relationship. And besides that, just be nice to each other.

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Ultimately, all of these qualities are important. One of my favorite answers was this one: [We] have finished our discussion and have concluded that you have asked a flawed question. There is no one quality. As we discussed it, a happy marriage is the result of a thousand little choices we make every single day. The choice to be in love every day. The choice to be patient when you don’t feel it. The choice to respond with humor. The choice to let someone else give/get support. The choice to appreciate little things (yes, even things like loading the dishwasher, making the bed, leaving a small love note, taking out the trash). And on and on. There is no one quality – just lots and lots of little choices that say “us first” today and always.

I hope this post was helpful. I’ve been doing this research for almost two years, and I’m so happy to share what I’ve found with others. Bookmark it and read it when you need it. If you and your partner follow all of these, you’re going to have an amazing future together.

So much love to all of you.

“You cannot wait for an untroubled world to have an untroubled moment.” – Lemony Snicket

There’s a lot that I’ve learned in the past few years. One of the most important things anyone can and needs to learn is how to be happy. I don’t mean happy based on your life or how you’re feeling. I mean truly happy at the core of who you are. Life throws a lot of curve balls, and you can’t just sit and wait for things to get good.

Over the past few years, I’ve constantly found myself waiting for my life to start. Waiting for my “real life” to start instead of realizing that I’m already here living it, and it’s up to me to change my outlook and be grateful for what’s happening around me.

If you know me, have read this blog, are Facebook friends with me, or follow me on Instagram, you probably already know that my brother passed on in 2017. One of the most important things I learned from my brother was that happiness comes from inside you. It’s up to you to find it, but it’s within each of us. It’s the drive that makes us wake up each day and want to live our lives to the fullest. More than that, you must start living every day to the fullest.

My brother, Adam, lived every day happy. He was passed on 2 months before his 35^th birthday, but for the 34 years he was here, he was happy. Always. He never waited for some future amusement to realize that life was here, and he was living it. On top of it, he lived by example. He wasn’t trying to show off, he was just here to live.

There’s a line I love from the movie P.S. I Love You where the main married couple is in an argument, and the husband says, “We’re already in our life. It’s already started. This is it. You have to stop waiting.” I saw the movie years ago, but that line has always resonated with me.

If you read my blog post from New Year’s Eve, or follow my weight loss Instagram, you already know that I’ve been steadily losing weight for about 4 ½ months. I constantly find myself saying, “When I’m my goal weight…” But how should I be ending that sentence? I’ll finally be happy?

News flash: if you’re constantly finding ways that your life is empty instead of being grateful for what you have, you’re never going to be happy.

What about what happens now? What about what happens in the meantime of your goal? Are you just supposed to be miserable and unhappy with yourself always wishing the grass were greener? Or will you be able to sit down, relax, make the changes you want and be happy with every small step of progress?

I also made a promise to myself that 90% of the changes I was making to lose weight needed to be permanent. I see so many people lose weight only to put it back on. I hate those extreme diets that get you down to the weight you want, but don’t teach you anything about how to maintain your goal weight and live your life consistently with your newfound health.

Now, I said 90% because there are modifications I’ve made that won’t last forever. Am I going to skip dessert for the rest of my life? Um, this girl loves chocolate way too much to give it up forever. At the same time this time of discipline is helping me. I’m not going to go back to having copious amounts of dessert, chips, ice cream, and fast food everyday either. There’s a balance.

It’s empowering to say no to the things that once stood in my way and have sat heavily on my small frame for so long. I’m done. No more. I don’t want to spend one more New Year’s waking up with the thought, “I really need to lose weight this year. Next New Year’s Day, I will wake up and not have to think this again.” It’s a bad cycle.

Plus, stringing days of discipline together amounts to big changes in the long run. In the same way that stuffing my face year after year amounted to gaining around 20 pounds a year, it works the same way in the other direction.

I’m not saying it’s not hard. Discipline is hard. Sometimes it’s really hard. And then there are some days when it’s a breeze. There are also the days when yesterday was easy and then today, I’d give my left arm for a cookie.

Make the change you need to make and find the power behind it. Find things to be grateful for every day. Even if it seems small and silly, it counts. Realizing the good only makes you realize more good and prepares you for more abundance. When you begin it, don’t stop. And if you fail, get back up. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I failed at weight loss. But I never gave up on myself. I never took the big picture of what I wanted out of my site. And as a result, I’m on my road to freedom as I found the solution.

New goal: be happy with today.

“Animals are such agreeable friends. They ask no questions; they pass no criticisms.” – George Eliot

Is there anything better than the unconditional love of a small furry animal? They’re cute, sweet, and love you whether or not it’s deserved. During my parents’ marriage, they’ve had 3 animals. I’ve been lucky enough to know all three.

Their first pet was a dog named Molly. She was born on September 11, 1977. She was the offspring of my parents upstairs neighbors at a boarding school where my dad taught and coached. My dad was taking care of Beanie (Molly’s mom), when she started giving birth. My dad went over to Beanie to help her when a puppy fell into his hand. That puppy was my parents’ first fur child and the first pet I ever knew. She was great, but I never got to know her until the last week of her life. She passed on when I was 3, and up until that point, we were the same height. Her friendly and strong tail could land me on my tush in seconds.

Even though I wasn’t the biggest fan of Molly, she loved me anyway. She loved my brother, too, who came along first. In fact, once when he was being babysat, Molly sat outside his room and growled at the babysitter every time she tried to go in. When he started to cry, Molly came and got the babysitter since she couldn’t comfort him.

Molly used to run faster than anything I’d ever seen. Actually, even though she wasn’t running at me, it used to scare me. We lived next door to the school where my dad taught, and my dad used to walk her down to the football field to let her run. I used to beg to be picked up to avoid getting run over.

Molly passed away on April 22, 1991. Even though I was only three, I still remember watching my dad come back from the vet after she had been put down. His face was red, and I remember watching my mom rush out the door to greet him. They both stood on our front walk crying and hugging. Losing a pet is the worst.

It was 7 years before we got another pet. We toyed around with a lot of options. We thought about getting a dog and a cat, two cats, a cat… In April of 1998, we went down to the SPCA to look at cats. There were several that we liked, but there was one sweet tabby that caught our eye. When we met her in the visiting room, she casually hopped up onto the bench the four of us were sitting on, crawled over us and finally curled up and went to sleep in my dad’s lap. We were in love.

We immediately adopted her and changed her name from Pumpkin to Flossie. My great-grandmother’s name was Florence Leona Strong (also where my middle name comes from), and she was called “Flossie.” We decided it was the perfect name for this sweet little kitten.

Flossie had been taken from her mother too early and needed to be fed from a bottle and still had to have shots and had to be spayed. We got to take her home in June when she was just 6 months old. I can’t begin to express how much I adored this kitten. I held her every chance I got, I carried her around the house, and she slept on my bed every night. She loved curling up and napping in my lap, and any time I called her, she would come running.

During my sophomore year of high school, I had to have surgery. When I came home and had to stay in bed for two weeks, Flossie left my room only for food, water, and the litter box. Other than that, she was on my bed at all times of the day or night. It was her job to take care of me.

Leaving her when I left for college was sad for me. When I came home, Flossie used to punish me by ignoring me. A couple of times, I was home so shortly, that she ended up avoiding me for my whole visit. She learned her lesson and would still punish me but would forgive me after about an hour.

She got used to being my parents’ cat without me and used to sleep on their bed (often between them) every night. When she would decide it was bedtime, she would come out and meow at them to go to bed so she could curl up in the crook of my mom’s knees.

Flossie passed away on September 19, 2017. Had she made it to January, she would have been 20 years old. The day before she passed on, my parents and I took turns holding her, and my parents cradled her between them one last time. She passed on in my mom’s arms the next day and she was buried in my parents’ garden.

A year went by, and my parents stayed pet-less. Then at the end of 2018, an email went out to my parents’ neighborhood saying that a sweet black cat had been found and was unclaimed. She had been roaming the neighborhood and sat at the window of their neighbor’s house one cold night begging to be let in. No one had claimed her, and the couple who had found her couldn’t keep her because of pets they already had.

The second my parents saw her sweet picture, they went and visited her and immediately fell in love. We were watching large amounts of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel at the time, and we decided to name her Maisie. She came home with my parents on January 1, 2019. We’re not sure when she was born, but the vet guessed she was about 2 years old.

Maisie is such a different kitty from Flossie. If you follow me on Instagram or are friends with me on Facebook, I’m sure you’ve seen her grace the page a time or two. She’s skittish, but she does her petly duty of loving her owners.

I’ve been staying with my parents for a few months, and a couple months ago, I was having a bad day. I went into the living room where Maisie was curled up asleep on the couch. At the time, I was crying. Maisie looked up at me, deciding whether or not she wanted to make a dash for the door. When she saw me crying, she put her head back down and closed her eyes. I scratched her soft black head, and she began to purr softly. Hearing this sweet animal loving me instantly made me feel better.

I’m so grateful for every pet we’ve had. Each has been such an integral and important member of our family. Pets have a way of becoming a part of you and making your life more meaningful and memorable. They’re sweet and loving and always have your back. I know cats often get a bad rep because they’re high maintenance, but they can be so sweet and loving. There’s nothing like holding a tiny kitten that purrs so much that its whole little body vibrates with love. Honestly, if we paid better attention, we could probably treat each other better. The world only needs more love, and pets existence only brings more of it.

“I’ve said it before, and I say it again. Bagels can be an enormous power for good or for evil. It is up to us to decide how we will use them.” – Daniel Pinkwater

“I’d like an asiago bagel with onion and chive shmear, and a Farmhouse sandwich. Also, could you have your sandwich makers wipe down the counter and change their gloves? I have a severe peanut allergy.”

The woman before me was pretty and thin. She wore designer jeans, Uggs, a white long-sleeved shirt, and a puffy white vest. Her long blonde hair was pulled into a ponytail and she wore a hot pink knitted snow cap with a pom-pom on the top.

“Of course!” I said back.

The regional manager (my boss’ boss), Brian, and my coworker, Kevin, stood behind me with their backs to me making orders. This woman was the only one in the store, but on such a snowy day, a lot of people had ordered from DoorDash.

“Hey,” I whispered to Brian, “we have a peanut allergy. Could you all change gloves and wash down the sandwich board?”

“You got it, Blondie.” Ever since I had returned from my trip to see my parents with my highlights touched up, Brian had started calling me “Blondie.”

No sooner had I made the allergy request, Kevin took the board to the back to wash it down.

Brian looked over my shoulder to see who had made the request. “Trisha! How’s it going? How’s Todd? Is he better yet?”

“Yes! He finally tested negative, thank God. Man, that Covid is a nightmare!”

“Oh, that’s so great. I’m glad to hear it. Tell him hi, and he needs to come back to get his own bagel!”

Trisha laughed. “Oh, I’ll tell him! Thanks, Brian!”

Kevin returned with the board, and Brian turned back to making sandwiches. As I sent the order to the sandwich board computer and down to Susan who was working the cashier at the other end of the counter, I watched as Brian and Kevin quickly made her order. By the time Trisha had paid Susan, her order was already sitting in a neatly folded bag next to the register.

As Trisha left the store, I watched as the snow swirled through the parking lot. She ducked into her car and drove away.

I stood watching the almost-empty snowy parking lot wondering when the next customer would come.

A sage green Jaguar pulled into the parking spot in front of the store, and an elderly couple got out of the car. The man walked with a cane, but still offered his arm to his wife as she got out of the driver’s side.

As they entered the store, the man stood and looked at the menu on the wall in front of my counter. The woman came up and immediately ordered a poppy seed bagel with regular cream cheese and a large coffee. She made her order with confidence, and then moved down the line to talk to Susan and wait for her husband.

After several minutes, the man came up to the counter.

“Good afternoon, sir! What can I get you?” I asked.

The man looked at me assuredly and said, “Yes, I’ll have a shmear.”

I cocked my head. “A shmear?”

He frowned. “Yes. I’ll have a shmear.”

“Okay, what bagel would you like?”

“No no, I just want a shmear,” he insisted.

All of sudden, I was aware that Brian and Kevin had stopped making orders and Susan had stopped sweeping. Other than Taylor Swift on the sound system, no one made a sound.

I could feel Brian assessing to see if he needed to help me or if I could handle the customer on my own.

“Well, would you like a tub of shmear? We have those down in the case next to the register. Or maybe just an individual side cup?”

He looked flustered. “No. I want a SHMEAR.”

I sighed. “Well, sir, shmear is just a fancy name for cream cheese. It needs a vehicle. Unless you’d like me to find a way to shoot it directly into your mouth, I’d suggest you pick a bagel to put it on.” I smiled, but he was unamused at my sarcasm.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Kevin’s shoulders shake. He lifted his hand to his mouth to keep himself from laughing out loud.

“Fine,” he said indignantly, “I’ll have a pumpkin bagel. With shmear.”

I braced myself. It was February. “Sir, I hate to tell you this, but pumpkin bagels are seasonal and we actually haven’t sold those since 2016.”

He sighed. “Fine. Plain. I’ll have a plain bagel.”

I stopped myself from asking, “With shmear?” Clearly, he had no sense of humor about this.

I took a deep breath as he moved down the line to pay.

The store resumed its usual noise as Brian and Kevin swiftly made the couple’s order. As the couple left the store, the man looked back and glared at me. I smiled and waved. His wife looked back at me and mouthed, “I’m so sorry!”

The second the door closed, my coworkers erupted with laughter, and they all applauded.

“Nice, going, Blondie!”

“Dang, Lauren, you really held your own!”

“Yeah, and you did an excellent job at keeping your laugh down to a dull roar, Kevin,” I said as I rolled my eyes.

As my coworkers high-fived me, I wondered what would have happened if he had gotten someone mean or impatient. He was clearly in a mood over something that had nothing to do with me. He wasn’t the first difficult customer I dealt with, and I knew he wouldn’t be the last. But what I did learn was how important it is to treat people kindly even if it isn’t returned. I knew my patience might have made him be a little nicer with someone else or maybe patient with the next order-taker he dealt with when he came back in. But regardless, I felt good about treating someone decently.

I thought about the moment when his wife turned and apologized to me. Somehow that small gesture of compassion made the conversation with her husband more bearable. I only hoped I did the same for him.

“The distance between who I am and who I want to be is separated only by my actions and words.” -Brian Solis

Disclaimer: Before I start, let me say that this is my own journey. Anything I say refers to me only and is not meant as judgement on anyone else in this situation. We’re all individuals with a story, and this one is mine. If you are on your own weight loss journey, I am only sharing what was helpful for me. This is not meant as a diet to be followed. I’m not a licensed dietician or doctor, so please take this with a grain of salt.

A little part of me can’t believe I’m putting this on the internet, but I realize there are a lot of people out there in my situation, and I want to do some good.

As you can see from the above photo, 2022 brought a weight loss journey that has allowed me to lose 58 pounds (and counting) in 4 months. What happened, you ask? Well, keep reading.

Okay, weight has honestly been an issue for me since middle school. I was thin, but I used to sneak food, and I was always a size or two bigger than I wanted to be. Plus, I had the unhealthy habit of eating when no one was around.

When college hit, I gained the Freshmen 15, and it took me until the summer between sophomore and junior year to lose it and get back down to a healthier weight for me. After that, my weight yo-yoed a bit, and I never really got down to my goal weight.

Fast forward to the summer before my senior year (August 2010), and I got into a relationship. I had just gotten down to a good weight that I thought I could maintain, when the guy I was dating told me I was too skinny. I thought he was joking, but I figured out pretty quickly that he was serious.

Instead of ending the relationship, I married him.

When we met, I weighed about 130 pounds, which is a pretty healthy weight for my small height of 5’3″. I also have a small frame.

By the time we got married in January 2012, my weight had already reached 170 pounds. At the time, we lived in Boston, and by the time I moved to Houston in June 2013, I was 190.

New Year’s Day 2014 I weighed in at 200. At this point, eating a lot and constantly had become a habit. Plus, it’s not like I was filling up on salad. My diet consisted of a lot chips, onion dip, candy, and ice cream. I felt like I couldn’t stop. I kept trying to lose weight, but I would lose 10 pounds, and then gain 20.

In October 2016, we decided to separate and I filed for divorce. At that point, I weighed 265 pounds. I was sure that our divorce would lead to getting down to a weight that looked good on me, but I just couldn’t keep it down. I continued yo-yoing.

In February of 2019, I got into the best relationship with someone supportive and wonderful. We had been best friends for almost a decade, and he knew about my weight loss goal. We started dating, and I eventually moved to Denver to be with him in October 2020.

There were other health issues that were going on that I chose to ignore and I would convince myself I was fine.

We travelled together a couple of times, and each time, the airport was a nightmare for me. I was so heavy, I felt like I couldn’t move and I got winded easily. I would have stop multiple times just to get through security and to get to our gate.

In October 2021, my cousin got engaged and asked me to read at her wedding that was going to be in August 2022. I was flattered. I, of course, said yes, and in my head, I was convinced that this would be the motivation I needed to lose weight.

What I have failed to mention is that I was also dealing with a thyroid issue that was not being treated. I hid everything from my family and my boyfriend and continued to convinced myself that I was fine.

August came and I hadn’t lost a single pound. I was so happy for my cousin and to be there to witness her marry the love of her life, but I was so uncomfortable. Her wedding was at the top of a steep hill and I was so winded on the day of the wedding, I had to be carted up to the location in a golf cart. It was embarrassing. Even so, I still had fun and my boyfriend had also come with me as my +1.

Two days after the wedding, I got a phone call from a wonderful relative. She very lovingly told me that she loved me no matter what my weight was, but that she was concerned that I might have a thyroid problem. That phone call saved my life. I sat on the information for two weeks.

On September 3, I woke up on what would have been my brother’s 40th birthday. I thought about what he would think about my situation, and I knew I had to do something. I called a doctor I had already worked with on a medical issue in high school. He’s a family friend, and I told him some of the things that I had been hiding, and I was convinced I only needed to lose weight. I remember saying, “I just need a doctor to tell me I’m fine.” He sighed. “Well, you will be fine. But, I can tell from talking to you that you’ve got a hypothyroid.” I was shocked. If you’re wondering how he knew, my voice was a lower register than usual and my speech was much slower than normal.

“Okay,” he continued, “Here’s what I want you to do. Get on a plane, come to Houston, and stay with your parents while you recover. And I want you to go see the doctor on Tuesday. I’ll set up the appointment with your endocrinologist.” I got on a plane the following afternoon, and on Monday, I had a blood test at a 24-hour emergency clinic so that my endocrinologist could properly prescribe me thyroid hormone.

They weighed me, and I found out that my weight had reached 290 pounds. I was shocked that I had gotten so close to 300. My blood test came back, and since my thyroid level was basically at 0, they rushed me to the hospital so they could observe my vitals while they administered the medication I needed. Thankfully, I only had to stay overnight before they sent me home.

By Friday of that week, by weight was already down to 282, and by the end of that month, I was down to 270. I had to get blood tests every two weeks, but I didn’t care. All that mattered was that I finally felt like myself again. I could stay awake, my weight was going down, my voice sounded normal again, and I was so relieved to finally be dealing with this problem that had been plaguing me for so over a decade.

As of today, I weigh 232. Besides a healthier diet, I walk for 30 minutes everyday. I need to make Pilates a bit more regular, but that’s in my goals for 2023. I have a long way to go, but I’m finally on my way.

Finally, if you would like to follow my journey, you can follow my weight loss Instagram account, @project.180lbs.

Over and out.

“Marriage will either be the best or worst thing you ever do.” – My mom

The following is a piece of a book I’m writing. If you enjoy it, you will enjoy the finished product once I finish the manuscript and find a way to get it published! Enjoy!

Happy reading!

P.S. The following is a true story.

I could hear the background noise of the TV as my eyes slowly closed, and a new scene unfolded in front of me.

As the scene focused, I realized I was watching a couple on a date. It looked like a first date. I floated above them in the rafters unable to hear what was being said, so I watched intently trying to make out body language to ascertain how the date was going.

The couple appeared to converse awkwardly, and it seemed that the date wasn’t going well. After a half hour, the man asked for the check, and they parted ways a few minutes later without a kiss in the parking lot. The man got in his car and began to drive home. I wasn’t following him on purpose, but it seemed as though I didn’t have a choice in the matter.

He took a pretty, winding backroad that looked out on the city. I tried to make out what city it was, but it wasn’t somewhere I had been. New York? LA? There were mountains in the backdrop. Maybe it was Denver?

Eventually, he pulled his car into the far-left lane and flicked on his left blinker, waiting for the light to turn green. As he waited in the late-night air, his breath unfurled like a puff of smoke in front of him. He obviously hadn’t turned on the heater despite the cold temperature. A few minutes passed before the light told him to go and he turned left and then immediately turned right into his designated parking spot.

He walked up the steps to his condo, his head hung low in exhaustion. He unlocked the door and set down his backpack inside. His shoes and parka were still on, but he closed the door and sat down in the dark. He sat there quietly, and lonely. I couldn’t read his mind, but he looked sad sitting all alone in the empty condo.

He sighed loudly, putting his face in his hands. He released his face again. “Where are you?” he whispered into the darkness.

The scene was starting to look too personal, but I had no choice but to watch. It’s as though someone or something was trying to tell me something important.

But no one was there.

The vision began to blur, and as I began to blink, another room came into focus. I tilted my head up and swung it around. I recognized the dark bedroom as my own. The alarm clock next to me was showing 3:30 AM.

There was a man beside me, but not the one from the dream. I looked harder to make out his features as I groggily recognized my husband lying next to me.

I lay my head down and tried to capture what I had just been watching in the dream, but it was falling away quickly.

“That’s your husband,” a voice whispered.

I lay still – close to paralysis – and listened. All the muscles in my back began to tense, and I clenched my hands into the fitted sheet underneath my body.

It took several moments before I dared talk back to the voice. “Which one?” I asked. The voice chuckled. “You already know, and you know what you need to do.”

My spine prickled. I looked at the man lying beside me: this stranger of a man I had given my heart to five years ago. What was going to happen? I looked at the little details of the life we had formed together: a photo of us smiling at each other as we exited the church on our wedding day, an old Valentine’s Day card on my nightstand, and the Bruins clock we found at a small store on Cape Cod that now hung above our door. I swirled the rings sitting on the ring finger of my left hand. How was I going to let it all go?

Soon, my eyes slowly began to close as I drifted back to sleep – only this time, I didn’t see him. I knew he was there – he was out there somewhere, breathing in and out with no one beside him. And he was waiting for me, wondering why he couldn’t find me. But I couldn’t tell him the horrible truth: I had married someone else before I found him. And if I didn’t find the courage from somewhere deep inside of me, this wonderful man would have to spend a lifetime knowing that someone else married his wife.

Introduction:

“I want to tell you a secret that will see you through all the trials that life can offer: have courage and be kind…Where there is kindness, there is goodness. And where there is goodness, there is magic!” – Cinderella

Sometimes when I get bogged down with the hard times in the world, one of the things I like to do is remember where I live and feel that sense of American pride that comes with it. As I was thinking about this fact earlier this week, I tried to remember the last time I actually felt proud to be an American. And then the sad truth sank in: I don’t remember the last time I felt that way.

I remember at the beginning of the pandemic when everyone was forced inside thinking that it was going to lead to something wonderful. I thought people would emerge from their homes refreshed and excited to see one another; I imagined a world where everyone just wanted one giant hug that we would all get swept into the moment we were allowed to leave our doors.

But anyone who has been outside of their four walls knows that’s not what is happening right now.

It’s my sincerest desire that someone will read this and find a glimmer of hope. These are effective ways that I found for dealing with some of the most hot-button issues facing us this year.

To be clear, this is not meant to be any kind of a political piece. This has nothing to do with how I vote, who I’m voting for, and who I don’t support. This is just one person’s take on being a good human being and just being kind to others.

COVID-19: To mask or not to mask?

Who ever thought wearing a mask would be a political statement? In the middle of a world-wide pandemic, it’s pretty regular to see them being worn and it’s not a political question on whether or not you should be wearing one.

Is the pandemic over? Are you in area where you’re being told you don’t need to wear it anymore? Great. Don’t wear one.

Are you being asked to wear a mask? Are you hearing the pleas of those doctors and nurses on the front lines asking everyone to mask up? That’s what I hear. It’s the kindest thing I can do. You know, you’ve heard all of the things being said about masks. They save lives. They support those on the front line. They protect me and you. They’re a good reminder not to touch your face in public. Plus, because the pandemic is happening worldwide, masks are not even boring! You can have one that’s pretty or cool! You can even support your favorite sports team that didn’t get to play this year.

Get a mask that looks pretty or cool and wear it on your face every time you go out in public from now until we’re told to take them off. It’s not politics. It’s kindness…and a pinch of common sense.

Kindness goes such a long way. Cherish it when you see it. Use it to fuel your own kindness towards others and be as kind as much time as you can.

For those of you out on the front lines, I doubt you have enough time in your day to read 1300-word blog post on kindness but thank you for all you do.

People matter, you matter, I matter. Let’s beat this thing for once and for all and maybe finish off the year a little better than it started. Here’s to a bangin’ 2021.

Have courage, be kind.

Lauren out.